Well, i guess
the laws of the universe have decided to show me that the law of three
fold works... I'm going through so much hell right now, and it really sucks...
and i know i'm taking a big risk by putting this on my page, a huge risk...
because if certain people read this... i'm fucked. but right now i really
don't care. For
those of you who know the Travis dilemma, this will be interesting... for
those who don't, i don't know what to tell you, go back and read some more.
Any way, in my last entry i talked about my extreme jealousy... it's gotten
worse... Now it just
hurts, i never thought it would come to this... i was always so afraid
of hurting him, i guess i never thought he could hurt me... it like never
crossed my mind... but god it's killing me now. I just want to scream...
All i hear about is Kristy, and how nervous he is for their date on Saturday.
Then after work he comes over to my house and checks his e-mail, so he
can read her letters, and letters from her, and my friends who are trying
to hook them up. It hurts so bad. I
know it's all my fault in the first place, i either should have been willing
to give up nate, or never gotten involved with Travis... but now things
are fucked to hell. He's been so sweet, and even since the Kristy thing
started, he's been sweeter. Yesterday he bought me two roses to cheer me
up because i've been depressed all week, half because of him, half because
of nate. And i don't know things have been really emotional between us
lately, and yes the "L" word has been said a number of times. And
god knows i never say that word unless i fucking mean it. I don't know
lately i just feel kind of used by him... i don't know because he'll be
so fucking sweet and then all i hear about is Kristy. And i feel like such
a bitch... because i wanted to set them up in the first place, and now
the entire plan has backfired in my face... because goddamn it, i fell
in love with him. And i know it's all my fucking fault... i know it is,
i should have listened to Josh and just kept my distance, and avoided time
alone with him, and just left things at that... but no. I had to be a stupid
little bitch and get myself in trouble, and now there's nothing i can do
about it. Well... that's
not exactly true, i could break up with nate and have travis in a second
(at least that's what josh continues to say), but i can't do that. Kristy
is my friend, and i guess she really likes him, and i know he likes her...
and even though it's killing me, and making me bawl my fucking eyes out,
i'm just going to stand back and let fate run it's course i guess. Because
i can't do anything. It's none of my fucking business, and i need to back
up and leave my emotions in some little box where they can't get out.
Because letting them out really really hurts, and travis can tell that
there's something wrong with me... but i can't tell him what it is, because,
i just can't do that to him. All this
time i was dragging travis along i must have been hurting him, god i had
to be. If he feels anything like i feel for him it hurt like hell. And
that's why i deserve everything that i get. I deserve all the pain, and
i know i'm going to get it all... because that's the way the fucking universe
works... and josh tells me i deserve it, and he's right, i deserve all
i get. all the pain. all the suffering. all the fucking tears that fall
i deserve! I deserve everything! God why am i so fucking stupid! You
know what i think hurts me worse. that my friends are trying to set this
up like hard core. And i feel like such a bitch for saying that, because
you know what, unless they read this page, they don't know how i feel...
Staci knows i'm jealous, but i guess that might be all she knows. i haven't
really talked to her since saturday when the green eyed demon came out,
oh wait... yeah i did... i talked to her on icq when travis was here and
she told him how much Kristy liked him, and how much she was going to try
really hard to hook them up... yeah, that stung a little. I don't know...
i'm kinda scared about putting this up on my page... i don't know if i
want anyone to read this... i really don't want travis to read this, because
i don't really want him to know how i feel, i want him to go and be happy,
because i know i can't give him that, and maybe krisy can... because even
though i'm going through hell, and all this pain and shit over travis...
i still don't know if i would leave nate. and so i have no right to even
be upset, because like i said... i deserve all the bullshit i get! I don't
want Kristy to read this either, i don't want her to feel bad... So i guess
this is a message to either one of them if they do happen to run across
this page.. I'm sorry
you had to read all that, please don't let it stop you two from being happy.
All i want is your happiness, and i know that i can't give you, but maybe
you can give it to each other... i promise i wont be mad, it will just
be a little hard at first, but i'm sure i'd get used to it. Come on i mean
staci already basically has kristy convinced to take Travis to their prom.
I'm not going to stand in your way... i love you both... please just be
happy... it's all i want. Ok then,
there is my little message... but i have to stop crying now and try to
call nate again since his line has been busy for a while. God i can't ever
let him have my web address, as if i don't hurt enough people in my life,
i don't want to hurt him too. Plus right now this is the realest thing
on this page... this is the honest to god truth and very little is with
held, and i don't want to have to change that. i've got to go.
"i never kissed somebody
so that they could break me heart"
