I am still dating nate, although now he's away at college.  It sucks really bad! So he's away at college, and he and i continue to have the same damn problems we have always had. He loves a drug more than he loves me. (dick)... I love him to death though, don't ask me why i put myself though the pain of staying with him, but i love him, so i stay.

Any way, just this last week, (two fridays ago to be exact), Travis kinda like made a move on me, he like started to rub my neck, and face... and GODDAMN it felt good... So like he gets me all turned on, then when i drop him off at his car, he lifts my chin up, looks me in the eyes, says "Your such a cutie," and gets out of my car... leaving me completely and utterly confused.  I spent all weekend asking everyone i know "what does this mean!"  So monday, i desided i had to do something with him to like find this out. And so we went and played on the park (it's fun), and we got to talking. So we're sitting there, talking, and he starts this whole rubbing thing again, and gets me all turned on again.  And we ended up making out... and so that's all i've done all last week, i spent every night with Travis... we'd like watch movies and shit, and it's not like we'd make out hard core or anything, except for this last friday, that was pretty heavy making out.

So ofcourse, i feel guilty as hell, sometimes. But the second i find out nate's been getting stoned again, i don't feel bad anymore.  And i do feel bad, but not that bad, and it just kinda sucks! Now you all think i'm a slut, well goddamn it i'm not.  I have had genital contact with 3, count the 3 guys my whole life! Drew, Nate (who i have fucked), and now Travis (he gave me a hand job).  But i never did anything to him, i never started anything, he initiated the whole thing... i know it doesn't make it any better, but god.  I never planned on this, i never expected it to happen. AAAAHHHH!! ok... so i don't know how to deal with this... Oh yeah just so you people know, i'm not completely the bad person, Travis has a girlfriend too!  I know it doesn't make it any better, but god i wish it did.

The thing is, now i'm starting to have feelings for Travis too. I don't want to fall in love with him too. Because i believe that it is fully possible to love more than one person at the same time with the same intencity.  And when i'm with Travis, i want to know what he's thinking, i want to know if he cares about me, or if he's just using me.  I hate to be used, i've been used before, and it really sucks! I dont know, this is my delema, I feel bad about the whole thing, and part of me want to stop doing this little thing with travis, but another part of me doesn't. i feel bad, but not that bad. I would feel really bad if nate wasn't getting stoned all the time again...

You know, life sucks right now, but i wouldn't change a damn thing. I'm having the time of my life, and i'll admit the guilt and pain does catch up every now and then... but goddamn it i'm having fun!