"She calls me from the cold just when i was low, feeling
short of stable"
Well, today was interesting. Of course my day
was boring, until work, then i get there and Travis tells me that there
is this huge rumour going around APAC that he was cheating on his girlfriend
with me. So i like panic, and i started to feel so sick, that i went
home early and told travis to come and see me when he gets off. So
he came over and at that point i really did want to break off the whole
thing with him, i really did.
"And all that she intends and all she keeps inside, isn't
on the label"
The second i saw him, i knew that i couldn't
do it. So we got to talking, and i kept asking him what he was thinking,
and he wouldn't answer me. So finally, i asked him what he was feeling,
because there is a difference. So he tells me that he's afraid... afraid
i was going to break up with him... afraid i was going to hate him... afraid
that i would never want to spend time with him again. Which of course
threw me off, i had no idea he felt that way. Then he tells me that
he wanted to break up with his girlfriend last week, but he felt bad because
he was invited to her brothers wedding, and that he would break up with
her now, but he's in all the wedding pictures.
"She says she's ashamed and can she take me for a while"
Then he starts to go into this whole thing about
his weight. Ok i will admit it, he is a bigger guy, but that doesn't mean
he's not beautiful... and it's like this huge issue with him. He
thought that i wanted to talk to him, to break the whole thing off, because
i touched him. He really has no need to be so worried, i think he
looks great the way he is. I'm really worried about him... i think
he's incredibly beautiful. I just wish he wouldn't be so worried about
his weight, because he has like stopped eating, if he does eat i never
see him, and this is definitely not healthy!
"And can i be a friend, we'll forget
the past but maybe i'm not able"
So towards the end of the night it was the same
old cuddly stuff we always did... he wants to break up with his g/f for
me... i didn't expect that at all, i really didn't... i don't want to break
up with nate, i love him to much... but i think i love Travis too, i really
think i love him. I don't know if i could go back to just being friends
with him again, not now that i have feelings for him, it would be too hard
for me to be near him and not be the way we are together. I never
really wanted this to happen, i never wanted to fall in love with him,
or vice versa... i definitely don't want him to break up with his g/f...
because i don't want that kind of pressure, i have enough as it is.
He just kept saying how he felt so good with me, and so miserable with
Meredith... i don't know what to do.
"And i break at the bend We're here and now, but will
we ever be again 'Cause i have found All that shimmers in this world
is sure to fade away again"
Then i came home and called Nate.
"She dreams a champagne dream Strawberry surprise, pink linen
and white paper"
Nate's coming to see me this weekend... i feel
so bad. I love him so much, and he has all these dreams of us getting an
apartment together next year and stuff. He says he wants to marry me, in
a few years, but he says he does. But that is so far ahead, i don't
know what i want... but god i love him... i love him so much. I want to
dream too.
"Lavender and cream fields of butterflies, reality
escapes her"
But i seem to be the only person who sees the
fucking reality in this picture... Nate and i will never have a future
if he doesn't stop smoking pot. I love him so much, but it simply
wont happen if he doesn't give that up. I refuse to have it in my future...
I also know that this Travis thing can't work for very long... especially
if he breaks up with Meredith for me, because i don't want to break up
with nate... i don't want to hurt travis, but i don't want to hurt nate...
i love nate, i love travis.... i do believe that it is full possible to
love two people at the same time... and i do, again.
"She says that love is for fools
that fall behind and i'm somewhere between i never really know a killer from a savior"
Love is fucked up... it really is... i hate it!
i don't know what to do... i don't know if i ever will, damn these emotions!
damn them to hell... love sucks! And maybe i'm in over my goddamn head,
hell i know i am, look at what the hell, i'm doing... i am in love with
a guy i've been dating for 10 mo. and he's gone at college... so i'm making
out with my once friend Travis, who now i guess has emotions for me, and
i for him.... i'm fucked... royally fucked. i hare my life.
"'Till i break at the bend We're here and now, but will
we ever be again 'Cause i have found All that shimmers in this world
is sure to fade away again"
I am enjoying every minute i spend with Travis,
and every time i talk to Nate on the phone. every minute i can spend
with either of them becomes my happiest moments on earth... it feels so
good to be with travis, and just to know nate loves me, god it makes me
want to cry. i love them, both, now i know i do... i've fucked up,
and i know it will all fall apart sooner or later, i just hope one of them
is there to pick up the pieces.
"It's to far away for me to hold It's to far away...
