Yeah... beat that! Writen Thursday September
9th, 1999
Well, hello there my fine readers...
and i guess your all wondering what's new in my life.. you know since i
haven't written in a day... Lets see, a lot of fucked up things can happen
in one day. Of course as you know, yesterday
i went to Minneapolis for my little modeling thing... i took a little class,
one hour of make up and one hour of runway... my walk now kicks model ass
(i could take kate moss)... and once i get my compcards back, i get to
go get more agents... since i have one now... Betty, who used to be my
"advisior" became an agent, and grabbed me right up... so i have an agent
now =)... i'm really happy that means i can start getting my jobs... and
once i get my comp cards i'm going down to Omaha and getting one or two
down there... so then i have more excuses to go see nate! Speaking of Nate... i love him
so so so much... and i just want everthing to work out good between us.
Which brings me to Travis... those of you who know me, or who have been
keeping up on my diary, know travis as my "lover" on the side i suppose
you would say... i was so happy when things were going back to normal.
No more kissing, no more lovey dovey shit.. then boom! something happened
and now... i'm fucked more than ever before. I don't want to mess this
up with nate, i really don't, i love him more than anything... and i just
want to be like friends with travis, i haven't even kissed him in a long
time... he on the other hand, has kissed me a few times (not on the mouth,
but my sensitive areas, say my neck, and ears, etc...) And now he's all
talking about breaking up with Meredith... i don't want that at all.. i
don't think i could handle that pressure... it's hard enough trying to
like stay just friends with him, when he writes you notes saying he's "falling
in love with you" and then tries to suduce you everyother night... it's
not exactly easy... I really don't want Nate or
Travis to see this page, i don't want to hurt Nate by having him find this
out, and i don't want to hurt Travis, ... i don't understand how travis
feels about me... i really don't... he like wont tell me, and i don't want
to hurt him... but all i want to be with him is friends, i just wish i
could get up enough nerve to tell him that, because it's so hard to figure
out what's going on... ick! i hate life, and i hate men! Other than that huge problem
everything in my life is going great... i just wish i could tell Travis
that i just want to be friends... i need to maybe tomorrow night, since
i'm supose to do something with him then... this has got to stop, i've
said it a million times before, but now it's like critical.... this needs
to stop.. this can go no futher, and if i don't stop it now, i'm really
going to hurt Travis when i do... eh, i hate hurting people, it really
sucks!
