|
|
To My Close Friends and Family
Hello. My name is Raven Colette, I am 15, and tonight
is my last night on earth. After years of thinking about it, I will
finally commit suicide. Of course you won’t be reading this until after
my death, but I wanted to kind of explain why. Most
of this no one knows about my life. I don’t confide in many people,
I guess I never have, I guess now I never will. But I
felt I needed to leave and explanation, so you wouldn’t wander around
saying, "why?", like all those pathetic things you
see on TV. So, I guess here are my reasons, (it’s not like a had a
bad day and decided to off myself). I doubt this will
make it any easier on anyone, but I wanted people to understand, or
something.
So I guess I’ll start at the beginning, I guess.
As some of you know, I had a bad childhood. ~god that sounds pathetic~
But I guess it’s affected my life more than maybe it should have.
My father was an ass… that’s about the nicest way I can put it. Mom
and Dad were divorced by the time I was two, so I
was juggled from my moms to my dads. It was kind of hectic, but well,
it was just the way things were, and I grew up that
way. At that time in my life I thought my mom was the wicked witch,
and I thought my dad was god. only because he was
big, and in control, and powerful. But daddy had a bad temper and whenever
anything went wrong, it became someone
else’s fault. So whoever was a round became the "victim", (I guess).
And a lot of the time it was me. so I was beaten much
of my early life by a drunken father, and you just learned to handle
pain, or you got smacked again.
I don’t remember much about my dad really, but I remember one night
when I was about five or six. I had a nightmare
and woke up bawling, and my dad came in to see what was wrong with
me. I was crying so hard that I couldn’t talk… so
he hit me. Which of course just made me cry harder, so he hit me again,
and again, and again. So I had to learn to
control my pain, and not cry, no matter how bad I was hurting. I could
handle physical pain well by then, but I went to
bed almost every night in tears.
Not much later in my life, my mother found a "new
man", and they were married. That marriage changed my life
dramatically. Within a year, we moved for our first time, then a second,
third, forth, fifth, and sixth time. So I lost touch
with my father, (haven’t herd a word in five years), and never really
made any close friends. Until I moved here.
So I’ve been here for a while, and in that time I’ve made some great
friends, (you know who you are). I’m glad I have. I
love you all so much, which is why the rest of this letter is so hard
to write.
About a year ago, I met the guy of my dreams. He was you typical tall,
dark, and handsome guy. He and I fell in love and
had a "secret relationship". The reason it was so secret, was, well
because he was 21. So we kept each others secret for
about four months.
Then something happened, ~god
this is hard~ I got pregnant. I don’t know what else to say… I just got
pregnant. Me
being only 15, I guess I didn’t know what to do. So I asked him, which
was so hard to do. And he asked me to get an
abortion… And I did. I still feel awful, I think about how my baby
would have been. She would have been beautiful, or he
maybe. I regret a lot in my life, but this is the biggest.
So after I killed our baby, things
went back to normal, and things were normal for a little while. Until I
found out he was
cheating on me. I was crushed. I was so mad I couldn’t think strait.
The night I found out, I went strait to his apartment to
tell him it was over. I can still remember every single word we said…
actually, I would like to write it that way.
I went over to his apartment, and told him I knew. All I could say
was, "Why?"
He just looked at me and said, "I don’t know."
I was crying so hard I could barley speak, "why did you do this to
me?"
He was crying now too, "I just don’t know."
"It’s over," I managed to say; trying to keep any control I had over
myself.
"Please, just give me another chance…Please!"
"I cant do that… I just cant… I trusted you, and you threw it away!"
He came closer to me, looked in to my eyes, and whispered, "please,
please forgive me"
Then he hugged me. We just stood there for a while and cried in to
each other’s arms.
Finally, I looked up at him, "I just cant, I’m sorry."
At that he let go of me and walked to the other side of the room. He
opened his dresser drawer and started digging
through it, talking to me over his shoulder. "I’m sorry… I am so sorry.
I didn’t want to hurt you, I don’t even know why I
did it. I understand why you cant forgive me, and I know this is how
you want things to be."
Then he turned around and looked into my eyes. Even from across the
room, it seemed like he was looking strait in to my
soul. So he looked at me, with his beautiful gray eyes, and said, "I
love you."
Then he brought a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
It happened so fast, I never had a chance to stop
him. But some how it seemed like it was all happening in slow motion. I
saw him squeeze the trigger. I saw the small jolt from the impact of
the bullet. I saw him fall to the ground completely limp,
like a once beautiful rag doll. But now that doll was on the floor
covered in blood. His gray eyes, still open, stared at me.
But now they were so cold, so empty, so… dead
"No," I just whispered that one word, "No." I didn’t
know what to do. So I just turned and ran. I ran for blocks until I
reached our apartment. I just locked myself in the bathroom, and cried
for hours. I didn’t even know he had a gun. I
never had a chance to stop him.
After the last few months, he’s been all I’ve thought
about. I know it’s my fault, and I have more guilt in my blood than
can be described. I miss him more than words can say, and every day
he’s all I think about. It’s so hard, and it hurts, so
bad. I cant even explain the pain I feel… I just wish things were different.
Much different. I can still see his beautiful
face, and his wonderful smile, and his gray eyes. But I always end
up going back to the last time I saw him, with those
dead eyes, staring at me.
I loved him… I loved him more than anything else
on this planet. It’s just so hard to live with this on my mind… and it
will
never go away. And that is why I have to do this.
So I guess those are my reasons. A childhood hell, my choice to murder
my baby, and self-inflicted death of the person I
loved more than life it’s self. I have nothing left to live for, except
for my friends. I love you all so much, and that’s all I’ll
really miss.
Tonight I will die… and I’m scared. I’m horrified.
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me… am I destined to come
back in a life just as bad as this one? Is Hell going to be my eternal
resting-place? But I know what I need to do… and if
I’m lucky, I’ll get to spend eternity with my baby and the man I love.
But now, I can only hope for that.
So now, I’m ready to die. And I will die alone, and I will die happy.
I’ve wanted to end my life for a long time, and now,
it’s time for me to go. Please don’t feel sorry for me, be happy for
me instead. It’s what I’ve always wanted. I’m sorry for
hurting you, but it’s my time to leave. Please forgive me.
I love you
Love Eternally,
Raven Colette