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"Mom… I’m home!!" She yelled as she walked through the door, "I got
my license today… now I can drive." She grinned knowing how much that frightened
her mother, "Now all I need is a car."
"Why don’t you ask your father," her mother said in her most bitchy
voice. "I mean what has he done for you lately? … Maybe he could consider
it a birthday present… Did he even send you a card this year??"
"Does he ever?"
"No I guess not."
"Listen I have a lot of homework to get done… so could you just leave
me alone for a while," she lied. "I’ll be in my room."
"I’m really not that hungry right now… I might eat later though." She
said closing the door to her room… her mother really had no idea how much
it hurt her to talk about her father. She through herself on the bed and
began to sob. Her mind whirled with
unanswerable questions. Why didn’t he send her a card? Did he even
care about his daughter? Why did she need to hear from
him? Why did she have this desperate need to hear him say he loved
her? This was the man who basically ruined her life, and yet she still
had a need to know he loved her… the man who had made her paranoid that
everyone on earth was out to hurt her… and she loved him… She laid there
on the bed crying until she fell asleep.
"Mom can I have that car for the night… I’m going to go see Amber,"
she yelled down the hall. It was now Saturday, and she had plans. "I’d
need the car all night… and I don’t want her parents to have to drive all
the way down here."
"I suppose so… just be careful!!"
"I will mom… thanks!!."
She hurried out of the house and drove as fast as she could away from
her mother. She had no intention of going to Amber’s, she had more important
things to take care of now. She pulled up to Joel’s house and beeped the
horn. She watched Joel scamper out of the house… she giggled as she watched
him. He always had that effect on her… no matter what mood she was in,
Joel could always cheer her up. Maybe it was the way his hair was always
messed up, or the way he walked, or the way his eyes let her know that
he could never hurt her… and he would always be there for her.
"Hey!" he said hopping into her car.
"So you ready to do this," she asked looking into his eyes, "We do
have a long way to go…. Are you really sure you want to do this?"
"Yes… if you want me with you, I’ll be with you."
"Okay then… if your really sure."
"I am… so well… I guess… on to Illinois… or … something."
She smiled as she put the car into reverse, she knew she could always
count on Joel. She need him with her now, she needed
some one to be there for her… and in all her life he was the only one
who was always there for her. He was the only one she
could talk to… he was the only one who knew her secrets from the past.
They took turns driving the long 4 hours, until they pulled up to a
little white house. This normal looking house. It was a simple two story
house, white with black shutters, and a little picket fence around the
yard. It was the fairy tale house, the one the happy children always lived
in. It was her fathers house.
"Are you ready?" Joel asked, looking at her with a concerned expression
on his face.
She shuttered, "as ready as I’ll ever be." She opened the door of the
car and walked up to the fence. Looking at the house now, it seemed so
ironic. Who knew that behind these doors, to this perfect little house,
lived a monster.
Slowly she walked up to the door. When she reached it she turned and
looked back at Joel, who was sitting patently in the car. He looked up
from his book, and smiled at her. Until that point she thought she might
run back to the car, and hide forever in it. But Joel gave her what she
needed… hope.
She rang the doorbell, and held her breath… she could hear him moving
in there… like some great beast. She had the urge to
run… back to the car and into Joel’s arms, where nothing could ever
hurt her.
The door opened, and behind it stood a man. Not the monster she had
remembered… But a man. She looked at him, it was him all right, her father.
But he was different now… no longer was he the man who once towered above
her and seemed to knock the angels from the sky. Now because of her own
growth she came close to his eye level. His dark hair was fading away,
his eyes seemed shallow as he stared at her through his glasses.
"Daddy?" she said… it was the only word she could say. Here she was
16, and staring her fuck of a father in the eyes, and all she could say
was "Daddy?" "Oh my god." He whispered… "Is that you?"
She nodded not sure if she could say another word.
"Come in," his words weren’t inviting… they were hallow… meaningless…
but she did just the same.
The inside of the house was not at all as she remembered it. There
was little furniture, and old newspapers and garbage laced the floors.
The house smelled of bear and old cigarettes. He led her to the kitchen,
seeing that was the only room enough furniture in it for them both to sit…
he sat a small table, and motioned for her to sit.
"So… why did you come here?" He said with his voice still hallow.
"I wanted to see you… I needed to see you." She noticed now that her
hands were shaking… the sudden realization of where she was terrified her.
"So you just came to see me?" he asked sounding shocked.
"Yes."
"So who’s the guy in the car?"
"A friend of mine."
"Just a friend?"
"Yes, just a friend."
"eh…. That’s okay… he looked like a fagot anyway."
She shuttered… no… he hadn’t changed. This remark made her hand clench
into a fist. He hadn’t changed at all… now some
rage built up in her… but she held it in…not wanting to anger her father…
"So why did you come here?"
" I already told you… I came to see you."
"I know you and your mother… you only want to see me if you need some
thing."
"really I don’t need anything"
"Shit… get out of my house… you have no business being here… your probably
pregnant by fag-boy out there… and you need "daddy’s" money… just like
your bitch mother… get the hell out of my house!"
"No!" she screamed realizing she sounded like the same little girl
she once knew. Trying to fight a force she couldn’t challenge.
"Get the fuck out!!" he stood up so fast his chair fell over and hit
the ground with a loud crash that made the little girl jump and
begin to cry. Now she remembered everything. The way she’d cried every
night when he sent her to bed bleeding from bloody noses and scraps she’d
gotten from being thrown on the floor or against the wall. She remembered
going to school with black eyes, cuts, and other bruises all over her body.
She remembered him… standing above her… out of breath from the action of,
punching, kicking, throwing, her body.
She now remembered all this. This pain… this rage, that she had in
her body had built up to this now. She jumped out of her chair, and ran
at him. The hands moved on there own. She had pressed him against the wall,
and held him there, hitting him with all her might. She looked in his eyes…
and saw fear… real fear. The fear he’d always gotten a pleasure to see
in her eyes.
It was getting hard for her to see now, tears were welling up in her
eyes. He struggled which made her actions so much more
pleasurable. She wanted to see him struggle.
Then he slapped her causing her to fall to the ground… quickly she
raced to her feet, and grabbed the first thing she saw… she
lunged at him with it… he herd him scream… she her his breath leave
him… she looked down and realized she had a knife…
something in her made her turn it… she herd his inside rip… and she
knew then he would die.
She released the knife from his bloody torso, took it to the sink,
washed it, and placed it neatly in the drawer where it belonged.
She took of her coat, now stained red and placed it in the living room.
Carefully she drug her father to the living room as well,
careful not to get blood on the carpet. After making sure the place
was spotless of blood other than that of what was still on her father,
she lit one of his cigarettes and placed it next to him.
He was still breathing… this amazed her. But she knew he was going
to die.
She waited for the cigarette to take flame on some of the news papers
and walked out side.
She knew if the police got there late enough it would look they would
figure he was drunk and passed out cigarette in hand.
Causing the fire to start.
She looked at the car to see Joel looking at her with a scared look…
for a second she thought she’d missed some of the blood or he could see
the fire inside the house.
She made her way to the car, got in and looked at Joel.
"So…. How’d it go?" he asked.
"Good," she said
Joel smiled… "see now was that really that bad?"
"no.. not at all."
She smiled at Joel, leaned over and kissed him.
"thank you." She said
"any time… so you think you’ll come back to see him again."
She looked at him and smiled "maybe."